christmas was different this year, for many obvious reasons. bittersweet is the only word that can describe my feelings. being a family of 4, carting 2 kids all over the place with the hustle and bustle of the christmas eve/day. it was exhausting, but fun. then there was the whole emotionally exhausting aspect. i wasn’t a walking train wreck like i could have easily been over the 48 hrs. i shed many many tears, but tried to stay present and happy in the moment, which is what ali would want. i had many good conversations with different family members about their thoughts on ali’s presence, heaven, and the future. at one point i thought i just wanted to rush through the days because i was ready for every second not to be a reminder of our loss and i was ready to move forward and try and figure out this new life we have to lead. but then it occurred to me that the season didn’t really matter at all. she was part of my daily life for 28yrs, most of those we lived in the same house. every where i go, we’ve been together. each room in every family member’s house, i picture us together. it doesn’t matter the day, holiday or not, everything holds a memory shared with my sister. everything.
ben went and spent christmas morning visiting her. i just couldn’t do it. i question if i will ever be able to go “see her.” i can’t grasp the concept of her body, her face especially, being underground. being confined in this dark casket, beneath the dirt and my feet. makes me so sick to my stomach i can’t think about it. ben says he feels closer and more connected there, which i’m so happy for him that he feels that way. i’d love to find that peace one day. i CAN’T WAIT to find peace one day! i miss her terribly. but i’ve realized so many of my tears are shed because of what she was missing. isn’t it so silly for me to think that way? she’s not missing anything at all. i know she is always with us. ben and i were assured of that on christmas eve. i kept telling myself a thousand times over that she is so stinkin’ happy right now, why am i being sad for her/us? i don’t know for certain what it’s like up there, but i know it’s amazing.
as a family we always go to “midnight mass’ on christmas eve. each year we add more kids and now we’ve taken over 2 pews. ha! so we get home real late and have to wake up too early to travel house to house for each christmas between our families. nori is a night owl and likes to sleep til 9 at the earliest. we woke the kids up to cuddle in our bed christmas morning around 8. they wanted nothing to do with waking up. in fact, when we told nori santa came and brought her presents she said, “i don’t care!” and rolled over. ok then! lol. she chose to sleep another half hour with nico…holding his hand because she LOVES holding someones hand as she falls asleep. adorable. thankfully the day after christmas we all slept in til 11:30am and caught up on our zzz’s.
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then we got dressed and headed out, of course 20 minutes late. but i had to capture their cuteness! i’ve never dressed up a little boy before. it was pretty fun. 🙂 i sewed my first clip on bowtie. i make hair bows all the time, it was fun to change it up a bit!
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i have taken a few pics of nico over the last month. i’m going to blog them soon. i swear. the house is a damn wreck right now though, have to fix that. it was nice to see everyone’s posts about that on fb yesterday. i’m glad the christmas tornado hit other houses too! i have no idea where to put all these gifts the kids got. a little too blessed this christmas. i hope santa was good to everyone!!
heart, mel
