disclaimer: i promise this blog isn’t going to become a place where you come to cry with me. i will find balance like i always have between posting clients and personal stuff. many people have asked me to continue to write this week as it helped them heal along side of me. thanks to my clients for your patience, i have every intention of processing your images before Turtle comes in the next few weeks (or less, eeek!). the distraction will help, as much as i want nothing to do with working right now, i need some sort of normalcy in my life, a distraction.
writing has been a bit therapeutic since i have so many emotions and thoughts going through my mind. since i haven’t stopped talking to ali since she left, i might as well continue to do so here.
hey ali,
what’d you think of that 2 hr wait last night? 6 solid hours of people lined up to see you. 1200+ people coming to support our family and tell us how much you have changed their life. i keep wondering if you can still feel emotions besides happiness? as we stood together holding hands above you, weeping, could you feel our sadness? what was it like to look down on yourself like that? did you feel loved? i could barely look at you. i made sure i stayed in a position where you were always blocked from my vision. you looked beautiful (duh), but for some minutes here and there i could forget why i was there, if i couldn’t see you. denial i guess. i hope you weren’t disappointed in your outfit or casket. i’m so sorry the casket wasn’t as pretty pink as we thought it was going to be. they showed us a much darker shade and i don’t know why i couldn’t get past the fact it was barely off white. i promise we tried.
did you reach out to hold nori every time she held her hands to you and said, “hold me ali, hold me!” adam tried to explain to her that you were asleep now and you were in a place called heaven. “aunt ali will still hold you, but in a different way now…” he couldn’t hardly get the words out. so please hold her tight for me whenever i can’t, forever. did you watch as olivia placed her lamby by your side? the lamb you used to hold when you were afraid or got shots. (but i know you weren’t afraid.) she said “mama!” and handed it over. 🙂 it was so sweet. of course it was gut wrenching to watch.
i got chills as adam and i stepped up to say our final goodbye and my 10pm alarm sounded. i had no idea what time it was until then. maybe that was you letting me know that time you were praying for us. i hope it was. because we are both going to need it. adam has been deeply affected, because as you know, when you lived with us for that year plus, you guys became tight. he truly felt you were his sister the last 8.5 yrs. he loves you so much.
your celebration mass today was incredible. the church holds over a thousand and it was packed, people were even standing. ben asked me to arrange for someone to photograph the amazing sea of pink. thank you so much to my good friend kelly, my birth photo business partner, for taking pictures for everyone to who wasn’t there to experience the awesomeness.
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amazing, huh? even fr george, fr. cross, and deacon jenkins sported their pink for you! 🙂
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did you see how all 5 girls had on matching dresses, just as you would have wanted? man, how they are going to miss aunt ali. the girls along with all your closest friends placed a pink rose in a vase for you. we are going to have them dried and made into bracelets and rosaries, so we have something more tangible to hold daily.
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after mass we had to take you to your final resting place. i’m sure you were in control of this because the night you left us, it stormed all evening. friday-today, it’s been absolutely beautiful outside. then today we woke up to gloom and rain that lasted all the way through the service. as we drove to the cemetery, the sky started to open and whaddya know out comes a blinding warm sun. as we stood above you one last time, you were there, beating down on all of us as the sky behind us was still cloudy and gray. i’m sorry i wasn’t strong enough to stand there with the family as they lowered you. it just hurt too bad and i had to step away. but i did see the beautiful deer as it watched our family less than 75 yds away, did you send him?
the reception was wonderful and we were there all night. we played a wonderful slide show (thanks delaney’s for making that happen) of your short life. ben and i couldn’t bare to watch it yet. it was hard enough to pick out the images. britt and i decided we all needed some comic relief, so we did you right and dressed up for your party. i know i looked foolish, but i didn’t care. even paul, purcell marian’s prinicipal wore a pink suit just for you. so many guys said they’ve never worn pink in their whole life, yet today they rocked it proudly, just for you. how cool.
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i was so honored to be your sister today. you have no idea what you’ve done for this world. cya later sis, i love you. smelli meli.
i have no idea how they mustered up the strength but ben and mom shared with the whole congregation their wonderful words about how you changed their lives forever. so last, i leave you with this, the words of ben to his incredible wife. brave, strong, and tear jerking, are hardly the right words, but you clearly helped him through. because everyone was a hot-mess while listening. thanks ben, for letting me put this out there. you were perfect for my sister in all ways. thank you for loving her so passionately. grab some tissues, you’re going to need them…
******
Ali used to love watching me speak in public. It’s something I’ve never been good at and don’t do often, but she always enjoyed it when I did, so I felt like this was something I had to do, as hard as it may be.
One of my biggest regrets is that I didn’t tell Ali how I felt about her nearly enough. All the time she was sick I had wanted to write her a letter to tell her all the things I thought about her. She always thought that I expressed my feelings so much better in letters and I wanted to put it all on paper for her. And I honestly thought I had more time. Ali was taken from me before I had a chance to write that letter so that’s what I would like to read here today. This is my letter to Ali.
My Dearest Ali,
It was only two and a half years ago that I stood at this very altar and watched, with tears in my eyes, as you walked down the aisle. I remember thinking to myself as you walked towards me. . .how did I manage to convince the most beautiful woman I had ever seen to spend her life with me? We stood together at this altar and professed our love for each other in front of our friends and family, many of whom are here with us today. And in front of those people we made vows to each other that I don’t think I fully understood until now. We promised to love each other in good times and in bad. We promised to love each other in sickness and in health. And we promised to love each other until death do us part. And like many nervous grooms, those words passed by my lips without fully understanding what those commitments really meant and how soon we would be called to stand by them. I had always thought about the words “until death do us part” as something that I wouldn’t have to worry about for many, many years. That we would grow old together and have children and grandchildren that would grow up knowing us. That we would be one of those old couples that had been together for decades and pass away after a long happy life together. I never dreamed that that vow would be tested so soon. And what that vow doesn’t say. . . what I know now more than anything, is that even in death we are not apart. Our love will endure. The love we promised to each other right here at this altar where you lie today will live on forever.
When you came into my life, I knew that you were the one. I never believed in love at first sight before I met you, but that moment I laid eyes on you I knew in my heart and in my gut that we were going to be together. You, on the other hand needed a little convincing. After seeing each other at a few parties I asked you out and you agreed. But then you called and told me how you just weren’t ready to date anyone and it wasn’t the right time. Maybe some other time. So, a week later I called again and asked to take you out. I think it took a couple more times before you finally agreed, but even after a few dates you decided you still weren’t ready to date anyone. I remember being crushed and how all my friends told me to forget about it and move on. There are other girls out there. . .just get over it and move on. And that was a time in my life when I usually would have had no problem moving on, but for some reason I knew that I couldn’t let you go. I knew that I had to fight to keep you and that’s what I did. Eventually you came around and decided to start seeing me again. Looking back on that time, I think God was teaching me how to fight for you and how to put my love out there and risk being hurt. I know that he was teaching me not to take you for granted and to appreciate every day I had with you. And there were so many times as we were dating that I wondered how we were together. There were lots of ways that we were different. You were a girlie girl to the core. You were obsessed with pink. You carried a little dog around with you in your purse. You genuinely loved the New Kids On The Block Christmas album and played it on repeat every year during Christmas. And I didn’t understand any of that, but what I knew was that those things didn’t matter. In all the ways that do matter we were always on the same page. We had a love for our families and friends and loved to spend time with them. We believed in God and helped build each others faith. We both wanted to get married and have children some day and raise them up to be faithful Christians. We both loved our career choices and didn’t care about making lots of money as long as we were doing what we loved. We both loved serving others in need. There were so many ways that we were alike that all the things that made us different seemed to fade into the background and just became funny little anecdotes for our families. Like losing or forgetting things everywhere you went. . . including your dog. Like only wearing dresses or skirts when everyone else seemed to think it was a jeans and t-shirt kind of day. Like decorating for every little holiday. And I mean EVERY little holiday. Like shopping endlessly and letting me worry about the bill. In all those little ways that we were different, I look back and realize that I wouldn’t change any of it. What started out as annoying little habits became endearing qualities that just made me love you even more. And those are things that I will remember with a smile for the rest of my life. And things that I will miss terribly.
I look forward to seeing how those things live on through Olivia. Even though I miss you terribly every second of every day and with every ounce of my being, I know that Olivia is how you will live on in all of our lives. She is a true gift from God and I am thankful every day that she was given to us. It was your dream in life to get married and have children, especially little girls, and I was so proud to have lived that dream with you and I am so incredibly heart broken that you weren’t able to enjoy it longer. When I look at Olivia, I know that part of you is in her and that gives me comfort knowing that I will be able to see all the ways that she is just like you as she grows up. And I promise that she will always know the love that you had for her. I promise to raise her the way that we always talked about raising kids. I promise that she will spend lots of time with her family and be there for all the little traditions that they have. I promise to take her to church and teach her the importance of serving others. I promise to dress her in matching outfits every day and put her in dresses and bows as much as possible. I promise to read her all the books that you bought for her and teach her a love for the library. I promise to stay close to our friends so she can grow up along side their kids. I promise to feed her well but also give her some cotton candy every now and then. I promise to protect her but also give her the freedom to experience the world. I promise that she will never be cold or hungry. She will never be unloved. She will never wake up in the middle of the night and be alone. Because I will always be there for her. And I know there will be times that she is afraid. Times that she hurts. Times of heartbreak and times of sadness. And times when her Daddy doesn’t know what to do. And those are the times that I know you will be there to comfort her and to hold her in your arms and whisper to her that everything will be alright. I know that she will always have you with her in her heart and that you will protect her when I can’t. And comfort her when I’m not there. And guide her when she’s not sure what to do. And when she wins a trophy, or get’s an A, or finishes first, or graduates with honors, or get’s married and has children of her own. . . I know that you were there with her guiding her along the way.
Ali, I miss you so much it hurts. It hurts so bad that sometimes I wish I could have gone with you. But I know that I have to stay here with Olivia to take care of her. God isn’t done with me yet and there will come a day when we will be together again in heaven. I hope it’s everything I imagine it to be. I hope you have everything you ever wanted there. I hope that there is cotton candy and Twizzlers with every meal and I hope there is a zulilly.com in heaven where you can buy cute things all day long. I hope that when I die I will be there with you and we can look down on Olivia together. But, until that time I will have to live with the fact that you’re gone. I will live each day with the sadness that you aren’t here to share it with me. I will be strong and I will take it one day at a time and eventually my wounds will begin to heal. And I know that they will never heal completely and I know that there will always be an empty place in my heart. But I also know that you will stay with me forever. You will always live on in my memory and in my heart and I will carry that love with me until we meet again.
You changed my life more than you will ever know and I will never be the same again, but I will live life with a thankfulness that I was the lucky one that was chosen to be with you. Your love touched so many lives, but God picked me to be with you and to receive the true love that we had and will continue to have forever. You always said we were a good team and I will live the rest of my life with you as my teammate.
I love you deeply, Ali. I love you with all of my heart and all of my soul and I always will. You are my one true love. Forever and ever.
Your loving husband, your best friend, your teammate,
Ben
*****
thanks for the flowers, cards, supports, shared tears, but most of all, thank you for loving ali.
heart, melanie
