Dear big sis,
I’ve thought about writing this every single day since march 18, but every time the thought crept into my mind, I’d tell myself I was crazy and that day would never come. Even when we read that the average life expectancy of someone with your form of cancer was 7-8- months, I wouldn’t let you believe you were a statistic. 7.5mths later, your time came at about 7:30pm, nov 3, 2011. As much as every single person present in the ICU kept telling themselves, “no this isn’t happening, this CAN’T be happening. Please God stop this from happening….” It was our reality.
Your last few days were very hard on you. The chemo was finally destroying the bad cells but in turn was also wiping out everything else in your body. You had nothing left to fight with. Nothing. Mom told me you had ONE platelet instead of 150, I began panic mode again (for about the 19,839,338th time in the last 8mths). They told us your lungs were filling up with fluid, the antibiotics weren’t killing it, you had no white blood cells to fight and the cancer was eating your platelets faster than your body could restore them. When mom called yesterday morning, very upset, to say you were being transferred to the ICU again, I was abnormally calm. After all, you were finally beating this terrible disease, pneumonia wouldn’t be a problem, right? Then later mom said I needed to get up there now, you were beginning to lose the battle. My heart was heavier than it’s ever felt and I was sick to my stomach, literally.
When I arrived to see you gasping each breath as if you had just spent 5 min under water, and the blood from a nick your throat filling your oxygen mask, I couldn’t handle it. I collapsed in sobbing prayer to please make this stop. Heal you, or take you, this isn’t fair and you’ve fought long enough. We all held you tight, ben continuously kept your face clean, as he whispered over and over how much he/we all loved you. He told you to not be afraid and that it’s ok for you to go Home now. You continued to fight and even woke up for a half hour. A visual/sound that is burned in my brain forever and most of me wishes I didn’t witness it. You fought so hard Ali, I know you were scared, as we all were, not for you, but for ourselves and Ben and Olivia. We knew where you were headed is a much better place than here. But how can we live without you? Just know that your doctors did everything they could, your body just couldn’t take anymore. You knew this, you were accepting it.
A few of us were doing the 7pm prayer for you, when just a few min later aunt deb rushed in to tell us to run to you. The end was quick and peaceful but slow enough for us to pray you through. Though not everyone you would have liked to see was there in flesh, they sure were in spirit. The tiny room was packed and overflowing out into the hall as we all held hands and prayed. Just how you would have wanted it to be, it was. Ben laid on one side of your head and I was on the other. Out in the hall Olivia slept but at the moment you were passing people said they saw her open her eyes, touch her cheek, then go back to sleep. We know it was you there, kissing her delicate skin, telling her you are always with her. Cause you will be with her and all of us, forever.
What is it like in heaven? Is it magical? Are clouds made of pink cotton candy, and the angels wearing tutus? Was all our passed friends and family waiting with open arms to greet you? Can you see me right now as I wear your pink bracelet and pink shirt? I’m sure you’ve already got everyone giggling up there with your goofy humor and contagious laughter. I’m jealous they get to be with you now, I want you back.
I’m sure you’ve already met our Turtle. Maybe you can finally send us a name we can agree on? I know how excited you were to be at his delivery and I’m deeply saddened you won’t be able to hold my hand through. But now I’m counting on you up there, to make it easy on me. Let’s try to avoid a long labor ok? Maybe a good 8 hrs, can you arrange that? 🙂 Who is going to cut his cord now? Take care of him for me til he gets here, k? When he does, I’ll be certain to tell him all about his goofy aunt Ali who still loves him so much.
Olivia is in good hands, you know this. I know ben is still learning and hasn’t quite grasped the fact she WILL wear a dress daily and WILL always have a bow in her hair…but he will. 🙂 She won’t wear jeans and a hoodie like daddy, unless maybe on Sundays because we all know uncle Ben has his “Sunday outfit.” You asked Brian and I to be her Godparents for a reason. We will continue to love her with all our hearts and demonstrate a faith as deep as yours. She will grow to learn how good God is and teach others just as you have. She will grow up in soup kitchens, travel on mission trips, and always have a soft heart, just like her mommy. We will show her videos of you, beautiful pictures and tell her funny stories. One day when she gets married, she will be as gorgeous of a bride as you were and I plan to be there to do all the things you would have that day. We will teach her that decorating for every holiday isn’t an option, it’s mandatory. I’m sure Nonni will even fancy up your year round (Christmas) tree for each holiday! Even each of your stays in the hospital, your room was always decorated. The nurses loved that, and so did we. And that those who don’t dress up at theme parties and on Halloween are totally lame. I know that your one goal in life was to be a stay at home mom and a wife. You looked forward to being homeroom mom, craft time, summers at the pool. We will do our best to fill in to give Olivia these special memories. I’m so sorry you only had 6 months with Olivia before you were diagnosed, but even before then you weren’t feeling well. I hate that you were barely ever able to hold her after she was a few months old. But I am so thankful you were given extra time here to watch her take her first steps, say mama and blow you kisses. Did you see her blow you a kiss after she hugged you goodbye?
Just as we will take care of Olivia Grace, we will also keep Ben close. He loved you so much and is going to hurt for a long time. We will support him. He is still our brother. We will continue to be close as ever as a family, as you will continue to be our glue just from up above now. Ben and Olivia will always be with us like nothing has changed. (whether they like it or not!) When he needs help with anything, we will help. And your hula girl will be looked after as well, no worries. They told me that hula refused to jump down from your side of the bed the last couple days. She must have known her mommy wasn’t coming home this time, dogs always know.
I want to thank you for years of friendship, love, and support. You were my go to person, my sound board. You still will be, but now I suppose instead of waiting hrs, sometimes days, for a return text/call, I will have to wait for a sign from you. I wonder how you will communicate with us? I hope you can soon. I already miss you so much. Thank you for teaching me to be myself and to love me for me. To not care what people think when we show up in wigs and mismatched clothes, or even mustaches! They’re the ones missing out on the fun. Thank you for letting both Britt and I run to your house to find the perfect accessories/shoes/outfit to wear to our special events. Thank you for teaching me how to wear makeup and fixing my hair for high school dances. Thank you for being my confirmation sponsor and getting me involved in campus ministry and service club. Thank you for teaching me to be a better person.
I can’t believe you are really gone. We have always been a family of 5, and I’m the youngest of 3 girls. That’s how it is and will always be. Auntie Ali was very special to all the girls. Always bearing gifts for them certainly didn’t hurt! We worry about your Goddaughter, Ella, who is old enough to miss you terribly, but too young to understand why she will have to paint her own nails now. I worry about nori who talks about you ALL DAY LONG. “go to ali’s house mommy.” “ali sick in hostible mommy? ali get better?” when she plays on our phones she goes directly to videos of you and asks to call you all the time. Oh how my heart hurts thinking about how often I will have to tell her we can’t call you anymore. Anytime she hears my ali prayer alarm go off, she immediately yells, “ALI pray!!! Father, son, holy spearded.” Then clasps her hands in prayer. When mom called yesterday, I began uncontrollably sobbing, she started shaking. She hugged me and ran to get me tissues. She kissed my tears as they fell and tried to wipe them away saying, “ali, mommy? Alllli??” we shook in each other’s arms. How does she have such empathy and she’s not even two?
As I sat up til late last night reading all the emails, texts, fb posts, I hurt. All these messages had to be about someone else, they surely couldn’t be about my sister. MY sister. She’s not gone, she’s healthy and at home, because this wasn’t really happening. Hours have passed and I can’t sleep, of course. I picture your beautiful face, then followed by your lifeless body. It hurts so bad. I can’t bring myself to read all these new messages and I can’t even log on to fb because it becomes such a reality. Emails are flooding in from people I don’t even know how they are blogging about your story because they grew to know you through my blog. People saying how inspiring you are and blessed we were to have such a wonderful sister. They’re so right. Your students posting about how incredible you were as a role model and just the person anyone could talk to when they needed to feel loved. Some even called you “the most badass librarian” there was. Do they have fb in heaven, cause you should log on and see how flooded it is with your name.
I will have to accept it. I have no clue how long it will take, but I will find peace. How long til I will be able to look at your picture and not break down? How long til I can use your name in a sentence without having a lump in my throat? The world lost an amazing individual yesterday, but heaven became so much more awesome. It is so clear how many lives you touched. Everyone loves you so much, Ali. I’m sure it’ll be clear at your funeral when no one is in black, all pink, just for you. Rocking pink, just for our Ali. But as they say, God only takes the best. You have served Him very well here and accomplished more in 31 yrs than people do in a lifetime. Your name will definitely live on all over the world. Inspiring so many. You will never ever be forgotten. The world has a void that can’t be filled over.
I could go on for days and I will still think of things I didn’t write. Memories will surface that I’m sure will make me laugh, then cry. I love you so much and I refuse to say goodbye. I could have kissed your bare head a million times last night and I still feel like that wouldn’t have been enough. Please continue to be with me, as you always have. You will always be my big sis, I love you, I love you, I love you…
You sis, are the lucky one now. love always, smelli meli
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“God saw you getting tired and a cure was not to be so he put his arms around you and whispered, “come with Me”. With tearful eyes we watched you and saw you pass away and although so many loved you dearly, we could not make you stay. A golden heart stopped beating, hard working hands at rest. God broke our hearts to prove to us he only takes the best.”
